Journal Entry 09/17/2007 (2 months before my mission ended)

mormon to atheist journal

09/17/2007

I just want to write down some thoughts and feelings I’ve been having.

I’m just a little afraid of what is to come.  My greatest desire is to be strong and active in the church and family, to have the spiritually uplifting and challenging opportunity to lead, teach, and help in the kingdom of God.

But I continue to have doubts and sometimes I visualize the future as something different — what if I DID go another route?  I’d be a minister, or I’d be trying to “open the mormon’s eyes,” or who knows what.  Mostly they’re just funny daydreams similar to when I visualize myself as being in a huge robot suit, throwing chunks of cement at the police cars and running up walls (haha . . . yup, I’m still a kid).  But I also want to make sure they’re not more (like real desires of part of me).

Perhaps the Lord is giving these doubts so that I’ll be lifted up to a serious study and really own the doctrine, not just being an average Latter-Day Saint, but having a firm grasp of truth so I can help others.  Or perhaps I’m just hurting myself.  Or perhaps Mormonism really isn’t true and the Lord is seeking to lead me to a higher path.

Now, when I say that I do so because I feel that to really know I have the truth I have to give each point of view a look at rather than just casting it away because it hurts.

I feel PURE KNOWLEDGE is the only answer.  Peace and confidence (the knowledge that I’m on the right path) will only come from that.  Just like we’re afraid of the monsters under the bed until we finally look under it or flip on the lights, pure knowledge will cast away unsureity and doubt.  I have to confront the stuff.  Prayer, fasting, study, and faith.

The problem is . . . when I don’t find that pure knowledge!  Or when I find things that would seem to actually go against our claims.

I tell God in my prayers, “I want truth, and I don’t want anything else.”

I catch glimpses of answers but then later those are swept away.  …

This painful question has come to my mind for the 1st time in the past little while: What would it take to get me to leave this belief system for another?  How many unanswered questions would I need to have before I left my current position of belief?  Would I ever?

That’s largely my fault for creating circular arguments:

  • Attack on Joseph Smith’s character.
    • look at our doctrines today.  Fruits, not roots.  History is uncertain.
  • No evidence of Book of Mormon.
    • testimony isn’t not based on evidence.
  • Attack on lack of biblical support for our doctrine today.
    • It’s in there, just not in your mistaken understanding of it.
  • Attack on our doctrine by biblical contradictions of it.
    • It’s just misunderstanding.
  • Attack on past prophets statements.
    • Not our doctrine.
  • Attack on JST.
    • the JST is just for meaning or interpretation, not literally what was lost.

I seem to always be avoiding the attacks.  So I’m hurting myself.  The attacks still sit there under my bed, bugging my imagination and mind.  I MUST SWEEP THEM OUT by getting light on the subject.

I need revelation and light.  I seek peace and assurance, in patience.  May God bless me, protect me, lead me, and teach me.  May I never be deceived by my enemy or by myself.  In Christ’s name, amen.

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One thought on “Journal Entry 09/17/2007 (2 months before my mission ended)

  1. It’s SO interesting reading these passages from your journal! Because of how each different person relates to it, it has a profound impact on them, I’m sure. This in a time when you were on the edge, and could swing either way. . . such conflicting feelings. What I absolutely LOVE about this, is it shows how truly un-biased you are! All you wanted was to know what was true, and you considered multiple options, rather than trying so hard to PROVE that one side or another was true. You just wanted truth, and didn’t care where it came from! That’s how we should all strive to be, and you’re awesome for seeking that. Thanks for sharing this dawg! 😀

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